"I've got to get myself together"

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt. Mark 14:36

Life is full of challenges. By definition the word "challenge" means to make a rival claim to or threaten someone's hold on (a position). Just as there is a real God, there is a real devil, and he is always putting in work trying to challenge our position in God. He is a bonified "hater" by every use of the word, who has forever lost his position in the "Beloved", and because of this unretractable fact he tries to make our process to staying in the will of God as arduous and difficult as possible. He is the accuser of the brethren, the tormentor of our souls and he wants to suck all of the joy and happiness out of the life of the believer because he knows that we have an opportunity that he will never again enjoy. The word "challenge" also means to invite (someone) to do something that one thinks will be difficult or impossible or to test the abilities of something or someone. God, in all of His Sovereignty, will  also allow us to face a number of challenges. Challenges that we often think are to difficult for us to bare or accomplish and in most cases, are challenges that we never signed up for or got to vote on. He allows these test and challenges to come into our lives not to be mean and heartless but just as a refiner's gold has to go thru the refiner's fire to burn out all of the impurities buried in the gold...so to our faith must be tried and tested to burn out the impurities of our heart and our faith, love, commitment, and devotion to the One True God. I Peter 1:6-9 says:


 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.


Now don't get me wrong...I'm not nobody's super saint. I am the last person to act like Jesus 1st cousin when facing challenges because the truth to the whole matter is I can be a 1st class trip when facing the challenges of my life! As a matter of fact, I am facing some  of my greatest challenges right now as we speak. I am being challenged and tested in my money, my marriage, my mothering, my ministry, and my move (I'm begging God to be geographically relocated!)... I am carrying the burden of a rebellious child who also suffers from mental illness and who continually puts his life in harms way and who is now presently incarcerated, I am dealing with generational family dysfunction from every side to the 25th power, and on top of all that I've just received notice that two of my younger children will not be allowed to attend the Christian Private School they were receiving a free ride to attend (are you serious...what believer gets put out of the "God" school!)...all of this while striving to focus and complete my Bachelor's degree! But in spite of all that, I am desperately searching my soul and spirit for the NEVERTHELESS. In spite of whatever preceded! I still dare to believe God! And there is no greater example of this type of resiliency, this type of tenacity, this type of perseverance, than that of the Christ! 


Jesus Christ is the blueprint, the compass, and guide to what a life that is pleasing to God is suppose to look like. All though He is 100% God...He is, at the same time 100% human...and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1:14). As any great parent would do...He lead by example. He became a visual aid for humanity to copy and refer to when living this thing called life and the challenges it brings. For the first time in the history of mankind the Creator became one with the created. Though He knew no sin, He knew what it felt like to be tempted to sin. He was quite familiar with the challenges of the human condition. He knew what it felt like to be tired, hungry, and thirsty. Though as God and owned everything, He had no address of His own and constantly surrounded Himself with the downtrodden and impoverished. He knew what it felt like to be lied on and hated...and not in all sincerity for what He had done...but for who He proclaimed and demonstrated that He was...the Christ, the promised Messiah, God's only Begotten Son (most of my trouble stems not from what I have done, but who I proclaim to be in God. I don't just want to be free...but I'm crazy enough to go out there to set the captives free as well!) He knew the burden of how it felt to be lonely, abandoned, rejected, and at this time of the text...betrayed...and not betrayed by just anyone...but by His own people. Someone he loved who was close to Him. At this time in the text, Jesus knew that the time and hour had come for prophecy to be fulfilled. He knew that the hour had come for His purpose to be fulfilled. He knew the time had come for Him to become the sacrificial offering to end all sacrifices to satisfy God's wrath against sin and He knew that this cup that He had to drink from was one of the greatest challenges He'd ever have to face as "God" in human flesh. He knew that aside from enduring the greatest mental, emotional, and psychological torment any human could bare, the physical torment He was about to face was unfathomable...so much to the point that His body went into physical shock and He began to sweat drops of blood. He knew He was facing the mother of all challenges. 

This is where I am forced to stick a pin and take note to how Jesus handled His challenging circumstances in the Garden of Gethsemane (not that my little issues are in any way comparable to what He is presently experiencing) but I deem it necessary to take note to how He handled the pressure. Even though He had brought people with Him to watch His back as well as pray with Him in His time of need...He was still left alone in His crisis because every time He turned around...those bammas fell asleep on the job! I am so glad to know that Jesus Christ can identify with my hurt and frustration when I find myself in a hard place and it seems like all my friends, family, loved ones, prayer partners ect...have vacated the premises! He was in a hard place, facing the challenge of His life, with no one to stand with Him to help Him shoulder the burden, and sick with grief and the beauty of this is, even though He could've found every justifiable reason to trip (like I would have), He didn't...He prayed. He prayed past the anguish of His flesh and the torment of His soul, until He tapped into the NEVERTHELESS that was embedded in His Spirit. I Peter 2:20-23 says:

Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. 


I too, want to replicate Christ in that respect when facing the challenges of my life. I too, am confessing to God today that this cup that I am presently drinking from is bitter, its nasty! It by no means taste good to me or feels good to me. I will never be pretentious in trying to portray that I would've chosen this cup for myself because I am so super spiritual in my endeavors to pick up my cross and follow the Christ...BUT...what I will portray and demonstrate thru theses challenges is the NEVERTHELESS. I know that if He wanted to, He could take this cup (theses challenges) from me, but more than I want Him to take this cup from me...I want the vindication of His glory to be revealed thru every challenge He allows me to face. 


So I say to You today Father...not my will...but let Your will be done and manifest in my life in spite of the cost because I am convinced that no hit I could take for You could EVER surpass the hit You have taken for me!

BIG DADDY!!!

Let me tell you about my Savior
He means so much to me
He's the God of many names
But I call Him my "BIG DADDY"

He's the best Father in the world
Beside Him there is no other
He is the God of faithfulness
A Friend who sticks closer than a brother

Big Daddy is my light
He's my compass and my guide
He's never left me hangin
In Him I do abide

Big Daddy is a Comforter
When no one else is there
When the storms are raging in my life
He shows me that He cares

He never ever breaks His promises
His word is bond and true
He pays His child support every month
When the rent is due

Big Daddy is a Strong Tower
When I am weak, broken, and mistreated
He is my Super Hero
He can never be defeated!

He watches my every move
His eyes they do not blink
He cleanses me without fail
When my life begins to stink

I wouldn't trade Him for nothin in the world
I owe Him everything
He's owed the best that I can give
So my life to Him I bring

If you're ever in need of a Daddy
I will share my Pops with you
His crib has many mansions
So there's room for you there to!


Written by Mrs Stephanie Leonard
Inspired by Holy Spirit

“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool. Isaiah 1:18

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a  writer, even though I am lazy about the discipline of writing most of the time, as much as I try to get away from it, I find myself right back in writing mode again. I am the person who has often felt misunderstood and ostracized for most of my life, so writing has always been a very therapeutic safe haven for me. All of this is necessary information for my topic today because the first time I read this portion of scripture, when I got saved for real (lol), God used it as a tool to break up the fallow ground of my heart. From a child, it was instilled in me that you can ABSOLUTELY NEVER question or be angry with God. You can have a problem with whomever you choose to but God better not ever be one of them. I got the distinct impression that this was a dangerous predicament to be in. So I learned how to mask my pain, hurt, and confusion behind humor or dysfunctional behavior (depending on what kind of day I was having), so when I really let God into my heart and dominate my life, after He stripped me of all the drugs, alcohol, and raggedy men...there was nothing left but me, Him, and alllllllll of my issues. And because He is the God who sees...I had to admit to Him that some of my issues were with Him. I just did not understand why some of the things that happened in my life...happened. As I looked over the files of my life, I realized I had a whole mountain of questions buried in the bottom of my heart that I was always afraid to ask and because I was afraid to ask...they turned into resentments that were eventually wrote off as "what's the use because no one cared anyway", which ultimately fueled my growing passion to medicate my emotions with any mood or mind altering chemical. But after reading this portion of scripture, after He knew He had gotten my attention, God spoke to me and basically allowed me the opportunity to be liberated and free from everything that was oppressing me. He allowed me to vent, to ask Him the questions I was always afraid to ask, partly because I was afraid of what He would do to me and the other side of it was I was afraid to know the answer. But whatever the case God knew that these issues were cancerous to my spiritual growth and well being. So I ask. I asked Him questions like, "Why have I never known a father? No one to pour into my life to love or protect me?" And He answered me saying, "I was your momma's Baby Daddy! I am a Father to the fatherless" (Psalms 68:5). I asked Him, "Well why did my mother not love me enough to raise me and sacrifice for me and treasure me as her child?" And He answered me saying, "Even if your mother has forsaken you, I have never forgotten you. I have NEVER forgotten you. You are always on my mind. I have NEVER left your side" (Isaiah 49:15). And then I said, "It is hard for me to feel the love of a God whom I've never seen, when I cant even feel the love of the people I see everyday. Sometimes it feels as if the people who were closest to me used me like the commode they took a dump on every day. I wasted my life away. I've done wicked and degradable things to my self and other people. Why do You love me so much?" And He answered me by saying, "I am the only God that even though it didn't feel good to you, I've got the power to make it work out all for your good. I knew what I was getting when I called your name and you cannot out sin my love for you! Nothing in all of creation will ever be able to distinguish the eternal love I have for you!" (Romans 8:28-31). I also asked, "Well then why did I have to suffer for such a long time with addiction? Why seventeen years? Why not seventeen days or seventeen months? I was in it so long till I was convinced that I was not worth the air You let me breathe. I almost died, hemorrhaging over 5000 cc of blood as a direct result of my stupid decisions". And His reply was, "You was trippin. I wasn't. Because I already knew your day of deliverance. I knew the day that I was going to deliver you and then I did just that...delivered you. So that not only you would know but everybody connected to you would know that I am the Lord...Your God. You were my modern day Lazarus! I had to allow your situation become stinky and dead for my glory!" I wasn't familiar with Jeremiah 1:5, "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born, I set you apart and appointed you as a prophet to the nations". At the time I didn't know that before my momma met my daddy, God already knew who I was, what I would do, and what I would become and that He had predetermine to deliver me, love me anyway, and set me a part for His glory and purpose. So in this regard, its not wrong to question God...it was necessary! God allowed me to empty and vent a lot of the garbage that has contaminated the windows of my soul and to be quite honest, He didn't even take away or change a lot of the situations He's brought me through, but what He did do, is change me in the midst of the situation and I have to admit that I felt a lot better because I was able to get some things off my chest and entrust the most fragile parts of my life to the One who holds all power. I've never had a problem believing in God. I've always known that God is real. I've always had a God consciousness deep in my heart and not just because I was raised in a Christian home. My problem was believing that He loved me or wanted to be bothered with me. So I needed God to expose Himself to me through the prophet Isaiah by saying to me, "Come on! Right now! And let us together hash these things out that are toxic to your soul! That is hindering your walk with me and our relationship together! It takes two people to actively participate in order to have a healthy and effective relationship together and if you are going to grow and develop into the person I've created you to be...we're gonna have to deal with you and these issues. It may get a little messy...but do not fear because I got you! I can't fail you!" And I have noticed that this particular scripture is a continual part of the process in my relationship with God because I am forever dealing with some type of issue! As soon as I conquer one issue...here comes another one and sometimes they bring company! In the first chapter of Isaiah, God is dealing with Israel...His people. A people He has raised to know Him, love Him, and serve Him. A people He has cherished, protected, and provided for but who still refuse to deal with their sin nature and their rebellion against God. They are getting into trouble with God for not dealing with their issues. They are deliberately choosing evade and mask the seriousness of their present condition with tradition and religious acts and God, who is rich in mercy, refuses to allow it to continually go unnoticed. He is saying, "How long are you gonna keep playing this game with Me? How long can you continue to keep functioning at a level that is beneath your call, trying to look the part of holiness...you come to church...you bring your gifts and sacrificial offerings to the alter...BUT your heart is far from Me. How long can you keep on pretending??? Come on! Tell Me! Let's argue this thang out! Though your sins are as red as scarlet...I can make them as white as snow! But in order for Me to accomplish this with you...you gotta keep it real with Me. Bring me your issues...turn from sin and rebellion so that I may squeeze My glory out of your life" and I don't know about anyone else, but Isaiah 1 is a constant reminder to me of how I must remain naked before God. It is a constant reminder of the reality of a real real relationship with Him and His undying compassion on the human condition and His eternal love for His people and I am convinced that if we, as His children, would learn from Israel's past mistakes and our present ones...there is no way that we could leave this life NOT being all that God has created us to be.

"I'VE GOT THE HOOK UP!" THE STORY OF AN ADDICT

Hello, my name is Stephanie and I am definitely an addict. And just in case you didn't know, an addict is anyone physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually depended on someone or something; so depended one would be willing to go to great lengths just to get a hit of its influence. A day without its presence is not even up for discussion. You are driven, motivated, and completely captivated by the power and control it has over your life...nothing else matters. You are a devoted fan. One thing about being an addict is, as you progress in the valley of addiction, you develop the ability to substitute one vice for another. For some reason, the companion you have chosen loses its effectiveness, forcing you into a decision of searching for something more lasting and powerful. So you switch. That would be me, I kept on switching and switching, desperately searching for something that would rock my world. Violently spinning out of control...until one day...my new Habit found me and it was love at first sight! I was instantly hooked! Needless to say, my drug of choice is no longer in the form of a pill, or found on the top shelf at the State Liquor Store. Nosiree...my drug of choice can no longer be found in the arms of strange men or rocked cocaine (although my drug of choice is as solid as a rock!). Nope, nope, nope...no more of that weak stuff for me. I've moved on to bigger and better things. I have definitely got the hook up! Since I have substituted my former high for this one, I have been on a continual high and the funny thing about that is...IT FREE!!! I lie to you not! I have been mad high for 11 years now and haven't paid a dime for it! I haven't once had to turn a trick, lie, cheat, steal, or kill. My Dealer's cool. He's what we call on the block as being "The Man". I have yet to wake up with a hangover or naked, ashamed, and embarrassed from being under the influence of His product. My Dealer NEVER runs out. He never, ever has to ree up; His product is plentiful. My fear of buying cree (or for those of you who don't know, that is buying imposturous product...being hoodwinked...bamboozled), that fear is non-existing, never to return no more because my "Man" only distributes premium product. In fact He has the only product on the market patent by His very own Blood, promising every user life instead of death, joy instead of sorrow, peace instead of worry, faith instead of fear, provision instead of poverty, a sound mind instead of depression, and victory instead of defeat. What is that about???!!! I told you He was the "Man"! Didn't I tell you I've got the hook up!!! Man, I tell you this Cat's got my nose wide open. I just cant get enough of Him. Since we have been hangin out, He's been like a waterfall...filling up that enormous void in my heart and soul, eradicating every hurt and every issue. Doin for me what none of the others have ever been able to do. One time I had mentioned that to Him and He was straight up with me because unlike the others...He's incapable of lying, and He told me that His Product was All Powerful. Nothing in all of creation was more powerful than what He was pushing. He told me that He alone was able to love me past my issues and heal me where I hurt. He let me know that He indeed was the Man with the master plan for my life and it was 'all good'. I can also consume as much of His product as I can handle...no chance at all of a deadly overdose, as a matter of fact, the more I take in...the better I get. This stuff that I am on now is all I think about morning, noon, and night. I am completely driven. I'll do whatever He tell me to do, go wherever He tells me to go, and say whatever He tells me to say. That's the least that I can do. I mean He's given me the hook up of a lifetime...literally! He has been nothing but good to me. He was the only One who was able to take away all of my hurt, pain, sorrow, despair, hopelessness, and failures, in exchange for healing, deliverance, joy, happiness, peace, contentment, love, hope, and success. Not at all a fair exchange...but definitely a hook up. And the sweet part about this hook up is...I have been able to successfully flip the same product that I am addicted to. It's a win, win situation. Nobody looses, nobody gets hurt. So if you are ever ready to exchange your hurt for happiness, pain for peace, lack for abundance, destruction and despair for a life of eternal security, come check me out...because I've definitely got the hook up!

A personal testimony written by Mrs. Stephanie Leonard
Inspired by the Holy Spirit
(2005)

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16

Ok...so I'm sitting at home deep within my own thoughts...wondering about this Christian journey I am on. Full of hopelessness and despair...surrounded by people but still consumed by loneliness. And it dawned on me that out of all the people in the body of Christ...I cannot possibly be the only person who is or have ever experienced a drought in their walk with God. I completely and totally agree with and believe in the Word of God (whether it cuts me or comforts me)...but the problem I have been experiencing lately is living the Word of God while trying to process and push thru the pain of living "life on life's terms". Life has been dealing me a rotten hand for quite some time now, so much to the point that I have not been able to process it all and the enemy of my soul has been having a field day with exploiting and exposing my weakness(s). Well the Word of God teaches us that we should confess our faults, slip ups, offenses...sins to one another and pray for each other so that the healing virtue of God can deliver us because the powerful prayer of the righteous (in right standing, the believer) gets the job done. Sounds good...huh...and with all that is happening in the world around us and in our families, marriages, and the economy...it sounds like this portion of scripture is very befitting for the life of the believer...it's necessary! But the problem I have been experiencing is not with "what" to say or confess but "who"??? Who is the person that I can trust to help me process thru the pain without fear of judgement or condemnation??? Who will submit to the power of the Holy Spirit long enough to help shoulder the burden and pour the Living Water of God into the desert of my existence??? Who is selfless enough to really put their issues on the back burner to make the needs of others a priority in their life??? Who is the one who has too much integrity to exploit my issues as a topic for gossip!!! Too many times, as believers, we hide behind the scriptures. We use them as shields to hide and mask the Tsunami's that are poppin off in our lives. Some Christians do it to appear to be ok when they're not (otherwise called...faking the "funk") and others are too afraid to be vulnerable to others because they are not really secure in the fact that people will be able to handle or accept who they really are or what they are really dealing with or going thru (forgetting the fact that God already knows who you are...the real you...the good, the bad, and ugly you). At any rate, this should just not be the case. We should not be satisfied with hiding behind the "church" or "religion" because both of them are flawed anyway! The only thing perfect, good, right, and true is the Power of the Living God within us who wants to not only guide us in a relationship with Himself but also a relationship with each other. Because in the words of Hezekiah Walker...I really do need you to survive! So I started this blog as a sounding board...an outlet for the believer as well as unbeliever, to be able to take off the mask and let's get real so that the power of the Living God can love us past our issues and heal us where we hurt. I don't wanna to just know what the Word says...I wanna DO what it says and watch the Power of God manifest not only in my own life but in the lives of my sista's as well. I love God with all of my heart BUT I got some issues...I wanna do what is right BUT sometimes I do what is wrong. I am determined to fulfill the destiny and purpose that God has for my life whether or not I have to walk, run, or crawl into it and I need to link up with other like minded people who are on the same flight as I am BUT are experiencing some turbulence along the way and not ashamed to say it! God is ABSOLUTE!!! He is absolutely involved in the lives of His people and pressures of life that we deal with everyday BUT we have to do better in how we deal with and handle each other in order to experience the "Greater Works" we have been promised to display in the earth and one way to accomplish this is by eradicating the "phoney" image that we have portrayed as believers to the world around us and I am the perfect candidate to get this party started!